Look, I get it. You woke up this Monday morning, checked your portfolio, and wondered if the market had a weekend bender. Well, grab your coffee because here’s what’s actually happening in the financial circus today.
1. Stocks Are Playing Bounce-Back Ball
Remember Friday’s dramatic selloff? Yeah, the market is basically doing the financial equivalent of “I’m fine, everything’s fine” this morning. Futures are pointing higher because apparently investors have the attention span of goldfish and already forgot about Trump’s tariff tantrums and that disappointing jobs report. The Nasdaq is up 0.7% in futures (after dropping 2.2% Friday), while the S&P 500 and Dow are both climbing about 0.5%. It’s like watching someone fall down the stairs and immediately stand up saying “I meant to do that.”
2. Palantir: The AI Darling Everyone’s Watching
Here’s the big kahuna today: Palantir (PLTR) reports earnings after the bell, and Wall Street is more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. This stock has more than doubled this year – yes, DOUBLED – making it the S&P 500’s golden child. Why? Because their AI software is apparently so good that even the government can’t quit it. Analysts expect 14 cents per share on nearly $940 million in revenue (up 40% year-over-year). Translation: if they miss, expect some serious drama.
3. Warren Buffett’s $5 Billion Oops Moment
Even the Oracle of Omaha has bad days. Berkshire Hathaway just wrote down nearly $5 billion on their Kraft Heinz investment. That’s billion with a B, folks. Apparently, when Kraft Heinz started “evaluating strategic transactions” (corporate speak for “we’re in trouble”), Berkshire had to admit their mac and cheese empire wasn’t worth what they thought. It’s like finding out your vintage baseball card collection is actually just cardboard with pictures on it.
4. Amazon’s Cloud Envy Problem
Amazon’s stock took an 8% beating Friday because their cloud business is growing “only” 18% while Microsoft and Google are flexing with 30%+ growth. In the cloud wars, apparently being really good isn’t good enough anymore – you need to be ridiculously good. It’s like being the third-fastest runner in a race where everyone expected you to lap the field twice.
5. Boeing Workers Say “Nope” Again
About 3,200 Boeing defense workers in St. Louis decided to go on strike because they didn’t like the company’s four-year contract offer. This comes after Boeing’s Pacific Northwest workers pulled a similar move last year for nearly two months. At this point, Boeing’s labor relations are about as smooth as their recent aircraft deliveries – which is to say, not very.
The Bottom Line: Markets are trying to shake off last week’s drama, but with Palantir earnings looming and various corporate soap operas unfolding, today could get interesting. Remember, in this market, “boring” is often the best-case scenario.