So apparently there’s a research firm called Citrini that’s been absolutely crushing it this year – their stock picks beat the S&P 500 by over 11 percentage points. Not bad, right? Now they’ve dropped their 2026 playbook, and honestly, it’s wild enough that I had to share it.
These aren’t your typical “buy Apple and call it a day” recommendations. We’re talking about betting on AI layoffs, something called “slop bowls,” and – I kid you not – an investment strategy based on what your girlfriend buys. Let me break it down.
The AI Unemployment Play
Here’s where it gets dark but profitable: Citrini is betting big on companies that can slash their workforce thanks to AI. They’ve even created a “Bureaucracy Score” to identify which companies have the most bloated middle management layers ripe for the chopping block.
Think about it – if a company can replace half their administrative staff with ChatGPT’s smarter cousin, those profit margins are going to look pretty sweet. Their picks include Accenture, IBM, Zoom, and Target. Basically, if you’ve got a lot of people doing jobs that could theoretically be done by a really smart computer, you’re on their list.
The Great Slop Bowl Revolution
Now, “slop bowl” might sound gross, but it’s actually referring to those fast-casual chains where they literally slop your food into a bowl – think Chipotle, Cava, Sweetgreen. You know, the places where you pretend your $15 lunch is healthy because there’s kale involved.
Citrini thinks these chains are about to get a major boost from kitchen automation. Picture this: robot arms making your burrito bowl while the human staff focuses on not messing up your order (we can dream, right?). Lower labor costs, higher margins, and maybe – just maybe – they’ll stop running out of guac at 2 PM.
The Post-Ozempic Economy
Here’s where things get interesting. Everyone’s talking about Ozempic and Wegovy for weight loss, but what happens when people stop taking them? Spoiler alert: the weight often comes back. Citrini is betting on the next generation of drugs that help people keep the weight off permanently.
They’re looking at companies developing GaINAc-SiRNA drugs (don’t worry, I can’t pronounce it either) that supposedly help maintain muscle mass and redistribute fat away from your belly. Companies like Wave Life Sciences and Arrowhead are on their radar.
The Girlfriend Index (This Is Actually Genius)
Okay, this one made me laugh, but it’s also kind of brilliant. There’s apparently a Substack called “The Girlfriend Index” that tracks female consumer spending patterns to predict market trends. And honestly? Women drive a huge chunk of consumer spending, so why not?
The thesis here is that “quiet luxury” is dying (thank god, because paying $3,000 for a plain white t-shirt was getting ridiculous) and we’re moving toward “luxury as self-expression.” Translation: people want their expensive stuff to actually look expensive again.
Their picks include the usual suspects – LVMH, Kering, Ralph Lauren – basically, if it makes you feel fancy and costs more than your rent, it’s probably on the list.
The Bottom Line
Look, I’m not saying you should YOLO your entire 401k into slop bowl stocks and AI layoff plays. But Citrini’s track record speaks for itself, and their themes actually make sense when you think about where the world is heading.
We’re living in an age where AI is reshaping work, people are obsessed with health and weight loss, fast-casual dining is becoming more automated, and luxury brands are trying to figure out what Gen Z actually wants to buy. These aren’t just investment themes – they’re cultural shifts happening right in front of us.
Just remember: past performance doesn’t guarantee future results, diversification is your friend, and maybe don’t bet the farm on robot burrito makers. But hey, if you’re looking for some unconventional ideas for 2026, this list is definitely worth considering.
Disclaimer: This is not financial advice. I’m just a person on the internet who finds investment research amusing. Do your own homework before making any investment decisions.